Chapter IV: Of Stage Hands and Horses

     "Thank God you made it Frankie" A stage hand says to the extremely nervous (and now also clamy) Centaur Brandon. "The show starts in thirty minutes. Also, you doth smell like a latrine in need of emptying. Am I right fellas." The stage manager made this jest to several other back stage employees. They all had a hardy laugh. This was to be the first of many times in which Centaur Brandon would be insulted by his piers and have to hold his highly pessimistic and dangerously sharp tongue (not sharp in the literal sense for those readers who  have a reading comprehension worse than that of a fifth grader). Brandon pretended to laugh at the jest as well, in the most excruciatingly awkward imaginably possible. You Centaur Brandon had not laughed once in his life, for he found it futile. So when he did in fact try to laugh he straight up made a horse noise bra, it was like mad ridiculous.

Frankie was this smart.

       "You Frankie, did you just whinny?"  One of the stage hands asked him.
       "Who me? That is utterly ridiculous." He once again attempted to laugh nervously, and was slightly more successful in this attempt." I am one hundred percent real man flesh, this is a costume. You sure have some imagination residing deep within that cranium in your possession."
        All of the stage hands looked at one another strangely. You see upon leaving the camp to "Pop a squat" Frankie had been as dumb as a sack of rocks. Now he was shooting off words of elevated diction as frequently as he used to scratch his nuts and talk of wenches.
       "Any one else notice that Frankie is talking like some noble fancy pants gay boy all of a sudden?" The stage hand who had first received Centaur Brandon inquired. Now I know what you are thinking you are thinking "Oh ho ho, hold on there guy. Lets just stop and pretend for one second any of this is true at all. Well then can you explain to me why exactly some one who works in theater goes around calling people gay boys and such. We all know everyone in drama or who has ever seen a play secretly wants to live on fire island. Why would he offend his own people like that."

Great support, no ventilation.

          Smothering pillow of death! Totally possible fool, movies don't lie.Yeah that's right I would smother you to death with a pillow because you ask sooooo many questions and you interrupt and presumably you floss with foreskin, just saying. Then I would look down at your pillow smothered self and say "Yo dawg its like this, back then it wasn't totally gay to act. In fact it got you more action than any bro ever got with date rape. And that is saying something."
          Anyway these dudes were thinking very hard on the topic of "Frankie's" new found genius when Centaur Brandon realized "Wait these brutes are absolute ignoramuses." So he told them this. "I forgot to tell you gentlemen , I went to the finest of private schools. I was simply afraid you gentlemen would judge me for not being entirely of the lower class."What a brilliant lie this was. They would never be able to find a loop whole in his story. It was fool proof. Flawless.
         "Yeah Frankie? So when we grew up in Dunkirk living in a hovel together starving you were attending 'the finest private schools' That's weird. Come to think of it, I should have recognized you weren't my twin brother, sometimes the make up makes it hard to tell." This was truly disastrous.
      "Get him Boys!" Yelled Frankie's twin the stage hand. "This Frankie is an imposter!"

He probably also did this with his hands.

      Brandon answered with a swift horse kick to his temple and as always with a quick remark said "Quite on the contrary, I think you will find I am in fact much more 'real' than your Frankie ever was." He then be-lined for the portcullis. He ran through unabated. Fortunately for Centaur Brandon all of the guards were already watching the opening act of the show, a jewish comedian, who as it would later turn out would be the great great great great great great great grand father of Jerry Seinfeld. [Looks like Centaur Brandon wouldn't be joining the circus after all...] <== (Cliff Hanger)

Chapter III: The Circus Centaur

Chapter III: The Circus Centaur

     Now I know what you are thinking right off the bat, you are thinking "Why would Brandon the misogynist want to join the circus where he would be surrounded by people all of the time. I mean it just seems like you ran out of ideas a threw in a dumb plot twist." At which point I would indefinitely call you a dick and insult your lineage. However I must admit that you are half correct in your assumptions. It does in fact seem rather impossible that our human hating centaur would join the circus... but there is a perfectly good reason! 

   You see it was necessity for Centaur Brandon to join the circus. What else could he do? The only home he had ever known had been taken from him and he now faced the very real threat of starvation. Being a logical creature as is oft to be Centaur Brandon, instead of feeling pity for himself said down and thought out the problem. For he knew he could not stay where he was, if he did his demise would be eminent. However, He also knew that he could not and probably never would join the mainstream. Just when things were starting to seem truly hopeless one of the grandest ideas Brandon had ever had occurred to him. He would have his salvation and its name was the circus. 

This floats Brandon's boat

    For Centaur Brandon at this point remembered a time when a traveling band of circus man had come to his fathers keep. Keeping a safe distance from the scene he watched from the wood as men unloaded several wooden pylons and pallets, which were then fashioned into a stage of sorts. It was pretty bad ass. Then from the caravan appeared the entertainers: French people, Siamese twins, crusty jugglers with blue beards, bears wearing sick ass tiny vests, aqua man, bearded women (he was especially fond of these), tightrope walkers, and finally and most magnificent and intriguing of all (besides the bearded ladies) one of his own! A REAL LIVE CENTAUR!!!

    At the time Centaur Brandon had been too afraid and too logical to try to approach the centaur. What did he have to gain? He was content to just survive in his woodland home at the time. However, some part of Centaur Brandon, deep deeeeeeep down really truly did want to speak to his kin, yet the logic centers of his brain would not allow such brash irrational actions. Though now it would seem it was his only option. He would have to seek out that particular Circus and find them, and quickly, lest he be discovered by regular folk. So he began his epic quest to find the circus people. He turned around to make his way to the village of Dunkirk where the circus may be. As he turned his head he noticed a poster that read Yo the circus is totally here tonight. You should come. Well that was much easier than Brandon had predicted. Now just how would he get by the mobs now searching the forrest to get close enough to the Circus Centaur to talk to him?

He would totally be like this

   It would be difficlut, that he was sure of. He must ready himself for anything and everything. First he would have to make preparations before night fall so that he could sneak into the Keep of Sandwich undetected. First he set to fashioning a sort of heavy duty grappling hook out of the vines of local fona and the branches of trees. He hoped this would be strong enough to support his Centaur weight. He would be like the ninja, silent, deadly, and he would get into the keep to see the Circus Centaur.

   Later that night as darkness fell, Centaur Brandon mentally prepared himself for what was to come. This would probably be his one and only chance to meet another of his kind, another survivor.

      Now I know what you are thinking you are thinking "Hey , Hey you narraratot guy didn't you tell us like one chapter ago that Brandon was the only centaur? Jesus guy you would think that before you told someones biography you would at least get the facts straight." To which I would reply "Shut the hell up! I will admit this was kind of comical the first couple hundred times but now it is getting annoying. Please just bare with me for the rest of the God damned story and you will find out. I promise. God next time I will punch your face in and eat your kids." To which you would probably reply "Yo man calm down lets be reasonable." Then I would be all "I will show you reasonable. KAME HAME HA!!!" and then you would be completey vaporized so watch your mouth guy, before you get it blasted into oblvion. 

      Any way after much preparation Centaur Brandon was ready to attempt to sneak his way into the citadel. He quietly approached the castle.

        "Hey you must be the other centaur actor."

Me destroying the last reader that questioned me

         This took Brandon by surprise. For all his preparation he was still an amature ninja. Lets face it, quadrapeds make like the worst ninjas in the whole world. Not ten feet away from brandon stood one of the many footmen of the Earl of Sandwich. However Centaur Brandon had gained some very key information from this guard 1) The Circus Centaur was an actor 2) It would be very easy to get into the castle. 

    "Yes I am he" Centaur Brandon declared. 

    "Lucky I got to you before the beast did. Some say a real centaur lurks in these very woods. I don't buy it, sounds like peasant talk to me, but the earl seems convinced, he is is getting rather old. Age doth ware on the brain so."

      "Ah yes, quite fortunate for me." The guard then escorted Centaur Brandon into the keep. This would be Centaur Brandons new life. If he could just convince the circus people to let him into their ranks. 

       A guard yells "Look the beast he is attempting to charge the keep!" Brandon worries he has been discovered. However not but twenty yards behind him, the man who is presumably centaur #2 approaches. 

       "Fire arrows at will!" Volley upon volley of the guardsmens arrows rain down upon the most unfortunate thespian.

        "Well I must admit that is a most convincing costume." says Centaur Brandon.

       "What was that?" the guard asks.

        "Oh Nothing" Replies Centaur Brandon. Now to actually join this circus.

     

Chapter II: Early Childhood

Chapter II: Early Childhood 

artist rendering of Brandon's daddy

  Born a monster Brandon was thrown out of the house of the earl sandwich. Now I know what you are thinking you are thinking "Wait wait wait a minute. If Brandon is a senior in high school, then how is it possible that he was born in the time period when the earl of sandwich was still a completely relevant figure who would even own a keep." To your ever so constant badgering i would reply "My God man, wont you for one second let me impart the story of Centaur Brandon upon you with out constant questioning? Truly this is getting ridiculous. But if you must know the average lifespan of a centaur is ten fold that of a regular human being. This is because their metabolisms operate much more slowly than ours do. By this logic Brandon would be going through adolescence in today's times. However when he was born in the late 15th century things were completely different."
    Centaur Brandon was born late in the night on April 12th 1498. He went unnoticed until the morning when the stable hands arrived. One historical recount of the event was taken down by a witness of Centaur Brandon's fleeing from the stables states:

"Never before with mine own eye hath I beheld a queerer sight. The beast twas neither man nor beast, rather it was an abominable combination of both. The work of the Devil I suspect."

Brandon's childhood home

   The world had not received Centaur Brandon in any manner close to kindly. Because he was half horse, he was capable of running at such an early age. The human portion of his brain then aided him in his survival. For the next fifty years he would haunt the wood near his fathers keep only sneaking in at night to steal food. In this way he survived. However all good things come to an end. One night during a routine  food retrieval Brandon was discovered in the barn eating hay by a small child. Brandon, since his first encounter with man, had suspecting them ever since then, of being evil and malign. He charged at the child with the intent of trampling it to death. However just before Brandon could achieve his misguided goal a stablemen came at Brandon with a torch, scaring him into a retreat towards the wood. After that night the men under the now eighty year old earl of sandwich began to patrol the wood. Brandon realized that this was a threat to his safety and soon devised a new plan. He would join the Circus!

     

    

Chapter I: In the Beginning

this thing was so full of centaurs

                     In the Beginning                             In the Beginning there were thousands of centaurs. Look up, bam a centaur, look down, Bam yet another centaur! These centaurs, oh boy were there boat loads of em. For thousands of years centaurs were the dominant species on the planet earth. This was largely due to the fact that humans had not quite developed the cognitive skills they have today. Also centaurs were hella faster than humans. They had four horse legs for Christ's sake. So for like a hundred years or something these horse fools would clomp around like they owned the place.
      "Clip Clop Clip Clop. I own this place." That's what they were like, a real bunch of jerks truth be told.
      Then the unthinkable happened to these centaurs. People learned to think, at least for a couple hundred years they did. So with their shinny new brains this guy named Ugluk Sanderson invented the spear. With the advent of the spear came the downfall of centaur society. Everywhere centaurs were being speared down. It was really kind of a sad time for the centaurs. Anyway, mankind eventually killed all the centaurs.
      I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "wait is this not a blog about a centaur named Brandon???"
       In which case I would respond to you. "Bahahaha do not be worried fool. There is a perfectly logical explanation for the existence of Brandon!"

The birth of a hero

      You see Brandon, our awkward hero, is not some centaur of lore and myth. He is in fact just a product of bestiality.
     I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "Oh no, that is disgusting! I thought this Brandon guy was going to be a hero I could relate to but now, but now you have totally ruined it for me. You are a real dick guy."
   To which I would respond "Jesus you do make quite a few assumptions don't you guy. You should really learn to hold your horses. If you would just let me explain some key points in the plot before you kept getting so mad maybe the story line would progress a bit more! So shut up! Good can I continue or do you have anymore smart remarks you would like to share with us all before I continue? Hmm, well do you?" At that point you would back off because I am beastly and intimidating. Story continue.

He loves him some Leviticus.

  Brandon, the son of a most unnatural birth was actually conceived on accident. It just so happened that Brandon's father James IV ,who was at that time the earl of sandwich, which is a much tastier sounding position than it truly is, drunkenly stumbled forth into yonder stables mistaking it for his keep and impregnated his most prized mare whereas he thought she was his wife. This sort of thing happened all the time, and it is truly amazing that a centaur was never born this way before or since then. I guess you could call Brandon a miracle of sorts. If you don't believe me I have a photo of Brandon taken at last years Church picnic.  PROOF>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Still not convinced how about some historical evidence you jerks See they are totally real!. Now that we are all happy I will continue the story once more.
   As you can imagine growing up was not always easy for Brandon. Every one gets made fun of grade school, and it doesn't help one bit when you are the only quadruped-humanoid in the district. Over the next few chapters we shall discuss Brandon's life as it is and the challenges he has faced to this day. Brandon the Centaur is currently a centaur/senior attending honors classes at Queen Creek High School. If you would like to contact him email him at his email!